It’s an archetype that seems as old as dating itself: the menacing father whose standards are so high that none of his daughter’s boyfriends could ever reach them. He awakens a primal fear in each boy she brings home, sending him into a state of panic and in need of clean shorts. Ferret Steinmetz is a father himself, but he wants no part of this stereotype, and he makes that abundantly clear in his open letter to his daughter, which he titled “Dear Daughter: I Hope You Have Some F***ing Awesome Sex.”

Steinmetz’s decision to write the open letter, which has received the full spectrum of reactions, came in response to a list of "10 Rules For Dating My Daughter," which played upon the cliché that a father’s principal role in preparing his daughter for her romantic years is making sure no boy comes within shouting distance of her (or him). Steinmetz calls the list “a piece of twaddle.” He took his criticism of the list and channeled it into an essay he posted on his blog, which celebrates the pleasures of sex and attempts to strip it of any taboo or fatherly ownership.

“Look, I love sex. It’s fun. And because I love my daughter, I want her to have all of the same delights in life that I do, and hopefully more,” the letter states. “I don’t want to hear about the fine details because, heck, I don’t want those visuals any more than my daughter wants mine. But in the abstract, darling, go out and play.”

Demystifying “The Talk”

Steinmetz’s message may seem unduly forthright for a father to his daughter, but it’s those reactions, he says, that make his letter necessary.

“Consensual sex isn’t something that men take from you; it’s something you give,” Steinmetz wrote. “It doesn’t lessen you to give someone else pleasure. It doesn’t degrade you to have some of your own. And anyone who implies otherwise is a man who probably thinks very poorly of women underneath the surface.”

Steinmetz’s essay and the ensuing spectrum of responses highlight how varied the approaches to dealing with conversations about sex can be. Parents often shy away from broaching the subject for fear that the child will lose his or her innocence — or that the parents are unsure themselves and possibly don’t know which topics are appropriate in which manner.

The act of “breaking the news” to children about sex all at once is the wrong approach, according to Parenting.com. Rather than consider the conversation a switch that is finally flipped, parents are encouraged to gradually acclimate the child to a world where sex is natural — accommodating probing questions with the proper terminology in a calm manner.

One of the more common occurrences, for instance, is questions about body parts. Kids experience changes they aren’t used to, but haven’t developed a filter to reserve the question for private. As parents, the tactful response is diffusing the situation without suppressing the child’s interest.

“If a question arises at an inopportune moment, it's okay to give an incomplete answer,” Parenting.com advises, “along with a promise to fill in the rest later on… Or, if the question requires a more involved answer, you can reply with ‘That's a really great question. We can talk more about it in the car if you want.’ But it's important to come back to it later and answer any questions your child has.”

Coming To An Understanding

Strict issues of anatomy generally precede more involved matters, such as the ones Steinmetz discusses in his letter. Sex — more specifically, sexual freedom — comes most easily in conversation once a strong foundation and comfort level have already been established with the topic.

Only then can a mature conversation be framed with the proper understanding about what parents want or don't want from their children. For Ferrett Steinmetz, that conversation includes reassuring his daughter that he’s less of a guard and more of a guardian.

“I’m not the guard who locks you in the tower,” he wrote. “Ideally, I am my daughter’s safe space, a garden to return to when the world has proved a little too cruel, a place where she can recuperate and reflect upon past mistakes and know that here, there is someone who loves her wholeheartedly and will hug her until the tears dry.”

Steinmetz’s full letter has been reproduced below:

There’s a piece of twaddle going around FetLife called 10 Rules For Dating My Daughter, which is packed with “funny” threats like this:
“Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilising some kind of ‘barrier method’ can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.”
All of which boil down to the tedious, “Boys are threatening louts, sex is awful when other people do it, and my daughter is a plastic doll whose destiny I control.”
Look, I love sex. It’s fun. And because I love my daughter, I want her to have all of the same delights in life that I do, and hopefully more. I don’t want to hear about the fine details because, heck, I don’t want those visuals any more than my daughter wants mine. But in the abstract, darling, go out and play.
Because consensual sex isn’t something that men take from you; it’s something you give. It doesn’t lessen you to give someone else pleasure. It doesn’t degrade you to have some of your own. And anyone who implies otherwise is a man who probably thinks very poorly of women underneath the surface.
Yes, all these boys and girls and genderqueers may break your heart, and that in turn will break mine. I’ve held you, sobbing, after your boyfriend cheated on you, and it tore me in two. But you know what would tear me in two even more? To see you in a glass cage, experiencing nothing but cold emptiness at your fingers, as Dear Old Dad ensured that you got to experience nothing until he decided what you should like.
You’re not me. Nor are you an extension of my will. And so you need to make your own damn mistakes, to learn how to pick yourself up when you fall, to learn where the bandages are and to bind up your own cuts. I’ll help. I’ll be your consigliere when I can, the advisor, the person you come to when all seems lost. But I think there’s value in getting lost. I think there’s a strength that only comes from fumbling your own way out of the darkness.
You’re your own person, and some of the things you’re going to love will strike me as insane, ugly, or unenjoyable. This is how large and wonderful the world is! Imagine if everyone loved the same thing; we’d all be battling for the same ten people. The miracle is how easily someone’s cast-offs become someone else’s beloved treasure. And I would be a sad, sad little man if I manipulated you into becoming a cookie-cutter clone of my desires. Love the music I hate, watch the movies I loathe, become a strong woman who knows where her bliss is and knows just what to do to get it.
Now, you’re going to get bruised by life, and sometimes bruised consensually. But I won’t tell you sex is bad, or that you’re bad for wanting it, or that other people are bad from wanting it from you if you’re willing to give it. I refuse to perpetuate, even through the plausible deniability of humor, the idea that the people my daughter is attracted to are my enemy.
I’m not the guard who locks you in the tower. Ideally, I am my daughter’s safe space, a garden to return to when the world has proved a little too cruel, a place where she can recuperate and reflect upon past mistakes and know that here, there is someone who loves her wholeheartedly and will hug her until the tears dry.
That’s what I want for you, sweetie. A bold life filled with big mistakes and bigger triumphs.
Now get out there and find all the things you fucking love, and vice versa.