Have you ever felt that school lunches were too healthy? Maybe, when you were a kid, your lunch tray was filled with so much green you thought that you’d turn into a rabbit? No? Hmm. Anyway, what if there was a magical alternate reality where things like pizza and French fries had the same health benefits as apples and lettuce? If that actually existed, there’d probably be no war or famine, we’d have colonized the solar system, and our life expectancies would be extended 10-fold.

Unfortunately, that alternate reality only exists in this parody video from Funny or Die. Nick Offerman, whose mustache you may recognize from Parks and Recreation and the Internet, plays a pizza farmer who just wants kids to eat healthy, delicious, “sun-kissed” pepperoni pizzas. His farm sells taquitos, fish sticks, and more, all with the knowledge that kids know what is right for their bodies.

This video is part of an initiative run by the American Heart Association, which is running a campaign to get Congress to renew the Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act. The act raised the quality of school lunches across the country. It has helped kids eat 16 percent more vegetables and 23 percent more fruit. It has also helped kids cut down on sugary beverages, eat more vitamins and minerals, and have a better overall diet.

Though the video is just for fun, it would be great if pizza farms were a thing. Like Offerman says, “What could be healthier than this? Acres of pizza, kissed by the sun, stretching as far as the eye can see.” If only…